My parents and I are still exploring the town. They go back home Wednesday and I'm really sad because I've done so many fun things the past week. We've gone out to see the aurora every night since the first one and it always blows my mind how cool it is. My parents were definitely needed and I'm doing so much better than I was when I started this update journal.
We drove out of town a ways and saw a bright green aurora dance across the sky. It's the second time I've seen the northern lights, and the first time they danced. I felt like I was in a snow globe as I could see every star in the sky behind a green aurora. I will cherish this night for the rest of my life. I'm spending tonight with my parents.
Spent all day with my parents exploring. My parents are amazing and have helped me a lot with figuring things out. We're going to go out tonight to hopefully see the aurora. I'm going to be very sad when they have to go I know that already. But I'm having a good time and am continuing to feel better about continuing living.
Still doing much better. My parents and I are going to hang out today, and I'm excited that I'm finally going to the museum up here. Did I mention that they drove up my car? I HAVE MY CAR NO MORE BUS OMG. But of course I have to wait until they go home next week. XD So yea, doing much better. I'm trying to think of ways to remember to be hopeful. I know I could easily slip back down so quickly and want to die again. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to do that, but it's process.
EDIT 9/23 Part 2
Went to counseling. Currently feeling a lot more hopeful. We did several exercises that helped me learn that a lot of what troubles me is linked to my feelings in the past. He had me talk to myself in the past which helped me realize how far I've come. Then I pretended to be future me and it actually really helped me realize that I'm just beginning to get better. I have done a lot of good things such as move to a different state with a supportive friend and find/re-find a lot of other support. I've been able to discover coping skills and can obviously find a job and other things on my own. So yea... Right now I'm feeling a bit better. Not the greatest but it's a start. My parents are still not here which is making me anxious.
My view has not changed, but I don't feel quite as bad this morning. I'm seeing a counselor today and my parents arrive tonight. Still living, but still don't really care.
I was finally able to get some sleep. I still feel pretty convinced that I am too broken down, but I am not having the constant thought that I have to give up. I'm going to head over to the University so I can be near people, because being alone is not safe for me. My parents are arriving tomorrow, and so I'm trying to relax and not do anything (like go back to the hospital) before they get here. I'm just glad that my head isn't throbbing right now.
I have fallen into a place so dark that I really don't think there is any way out. I've been in bed almost all day as my mind tells me that I have to die. Not should, have to. I see nothing in my future anymore. All I know is the constant pain of my own mind telling me over and over that I have nothing left. I feel good for a short time, but any little thing sends me back down so easily. I'm no longer strong enough to handle the things that I have for so long. I still want to experience some things in life, but I no longer believe that is possible.
I'm going to talk with my friend, and I really don't know what's going to happen. If I disappear for awhile, I may have gone somewhere. If I never come back, you know what happened.