Hello, my name is Axel. |
I'm a traditional artist. For colored work I use mainly prismacolor colored pencil, but I also use markers and pastel. While I'm better at animals, I'm working at getting better at humans. I like to draw anything really.
Apart from art, I have a huge interest in animals. My favorites are ravens, but I also really love roosters, okapis, bats and capybaras.
Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. I answer all comments. Thank you if you fav or watch my work!
Animals and nature
Movies (animation mostly)
Music (mainly instrumental)
Edit at the end
I am feeling very compelled to share this story/information with people. It's something that not everyone understands, or is even aware of. But I keep on having flashbacks to another patient at the hospital this past week who was suffering from a situation that I was all too familiar with, and it was terrifying to know that someone else was going through it, because it leaves you feeling the worst despair and that there is nothing to do but die. It's something I wish someone had informed me about a long time ago.
I'm actually taking a huge risk even writing about this, and am even now questioning if this is a safe thing to do. But I feel so strongly that it could very well save someone's life, because it's a pain I wouldn't wish upon anyone. If this helps even one person I will feel accomplished. Please do not ask me for names, because I will not respond. And please, if you somehow know who I'm talking about or figure it out, I am begging you, do not seek them out as a result of this. Whether it be to bash or even to get some kind of perspective. That may sound horrible on my part, but you have to believe me that it will almost definitely cause a conflict/war that I will not be able to emotionally handle, because it always has in the past. And even if no one does that, I am still expecting something to happen, but again I cannot keep quiet and allow an opportunity to possibly help someone pass me by. The intent is not to cause conflict, but to inform. And of course I will be rereading this like crazy and choosing my words carefully.
There are abusive people out there. The physical ones who will beat you to either cause you pain or to force you into submission. The verbal ones who will tell you that you are weak, ugly, unlikeable, stupid, ect. But the worst ones are those that no one suspects, and those are the emotional abusers. The ones who attack and manipulate your emotions and inner world so much that you begin to question yourself. I think a lot of people have heard stories about the girlfriend who felt trapped in a relationship, and have wondered why she doesn't just leave. Well, the answer is that she cannot leave because that person has become her world. Not just someone who provides comfort and safety, but someone who they cannot even function without.
My story begins 5/6 years ago, when I made a friend online. Back in the days of MSN messenger (the good days), we spent a lot of time talking. One day she wanted me to do something I didn't feel comfortable doing. And she wouldn't take no for an answer, so after awhile I finally did cave in. This should have been the first warning sign.
This person started interfering with my relationships with other people/friends. She told me that I should stop talking to at least two people. And I did, because I believed she was right. I used to have a good friend circle online actually, but I stopped talking to almost all of them. What I didn't realize was that she was becoming the only person in my life I could turn to.
And the day came when she stopped talking with me as much, and it was devastating to me. I cried, I didn't even get out of bed. I stayed online as much as I could, and my almost constant thought was when I was going to talk with her again. I thought it was my fault that she wasn't spending as much time with me, and that was backed up by her telling me that she 'had to be in the mood to talk to me' every time I confronted her about it.
I felt like a horrible friend because she was never happy. I worked very hard at trying to cheer her up, from drawing to words. She once told me that I'm not good with words (which I still to this day believe) and the worst one was when she told me that she 'didn't need me or my love'.
I was becoming very distant from the people who lived in my own house. My good, supportive parents were no longer people who I would turn to for help or comfort.
Everything this person told me was becoming fact. If I had a different opinion, she was easily able to convince me that I was wrong.
I became friends with someone new, the friend I live with now, and I do think she felt threatened, but because she told me that I was being used. I still to this day don't know why I didn't give in again, instead I just resorted to not mentioning my new friend.
The point that it all fell apart was when she offered to let me go live with her and another girl. I was jumping for joy, I felt like things were going to be so wonderful. I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to be happy.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
They wanted to bring in a fourth girl, and I immediately felt uncomfortable, because I do not do well with new people and I know myself well enough to know it wasn't a good idea to be forced into a relationship. She became angry at me, telling me that I was being selfish and silly, and finally went offline. Feeling once again like I had no choice, and questioning my own thinking, I gave in and said yes.
Three weeks. I lived with them for three weeks. During that time I felt like the lowest person on the pole, and was bullied carlessly.
One day I made an honest mistake and knocked loudly on the door to wake her up, because she had asked me to wake her early, not knowing that I had triggered her. She was angry, very angry, and I couldn't figure out why. She went to work and came home angry, throwing my computer at one point and telling me that I don't care about her.
The next day we all sat down, with me sitting on the one couch and all three of them sitting on the other glaring at me. And I was intimidated, and I told them. Nothing happened. Again I was forced to listen to how she had always been so nice to me and I was being selfish and mean.
The next day they all left. I will not go into exactly what had happened, since I still to this day am not sure myself what exactly went down. All I can say was that my world came crashing down. I sought professional help, but even the crisis center sent me back home and told me to 'come back tomorrow'. I had no one to turn to, since the one person I thought I could always count on told me I was kicked out and nothing more.
I had no reason to live.
I poured bleach, and in my suicide note said that all of my money would go to her.
My saving grace came in the form of my new friend, whom I had texted a quick goodbye note to. I would find out later that she had just come out of class, which means that if I had been any quicker, I would not be alive right now. She stayed with me on the phone, messaging the girl online to tell her that I was suicidal, only to receive a simple 'I know'. As a response.
My mom convinced the girl to call the police and I was taken to the hospital, where I spent the night staring at a wall and asking anyone who walked by my room if I was a bad person.
After a week, I was released from the hospital, and got my cellphone back (they take it away when you're hospitalized) and found that she had not left me a single message to ask if I was okay. But regardless I still sent her one to say I was released and doing well.
Leaving town with my mom to head back to Montana, I felt a huge pain in my heart, because I really wanted to see her before I left. After everything, I still wanted her comfort.
But I soon found out that she had posted what had happened online for the world to see. I quickly told her that it was private and she protested that there was nothing wrong with what she wrote, but to my relief took it down anyway.
For the next couple weeks, I tried to convince her to talk with me so I could understand. My head was racing trying to understand everything, and she would set a time, only to say later she was 'too tired'. And at one point even saying 'I don't see why I have to talk about this'.
And it took me seeking help from the people online because I still felt like hurting myself, that she did talk, accusing me of 'making her look bad', and I couldn't understand since I hadn't even mentioned her in my post. But I took advantage and tried to get some information, but it quickly turned into her simply bashing and blaming me. She told me it had all been my fault, and when I tried to explain myself she told me I was lying. She also told me that 'my story kept on changing', which made me question myself even though everyone else told me that wasn't true.
It ended with me being blocked and her continuing publically posting online.
I didn't talk to her again for some time, but she had turned her attention to my new friend, and started talking with her, despite being told they didn't want to get involved. At one point even saying she 'knew I was saying horrible things about her', which confused both of us. The worst point was when she told my new friend that I said horrible things about them. She was taking what she had said, and put it in my mouth in an attempt to sway my new friend.
This kind of thing happened for many months, where we made up for a week or so, then for whatever reason stopped talking. I was becoming increasingly aware that she had done some pretty horrible things to me, but I still failed to realize that it was psychological. So when she asked me what exactly she had ever done to hurt me, since she couldn't figure out why I wanted an apology, I only responded with a long list of times she had bullied me. I wish I had that moment back, because my words would have been so different. I was told that my list of things was 'no big deal, since they were not as bad as what I had done'.
I became angry, and stayed that way. I was off and on again suicidal. I knew she had done something to me, but I didn't understand what. Everyone told me that it wasn't logical, but I couldn't accept that.
The last time I talked with her, she continued to blame me, still insisted that her posting online was just fine, and told me that she loved me. I told her that couldn't possibly be true, and she told me that I was horrible for saying that and I didn't understand. The last words she told me, and she was still trying to tell me that I was a bad person.
Last week I went to the hospital again for being suicidal, and this time it was luckily not so close. And my last night there we were shown a video about emotional abusers. Everything came back, and I cried because at long last I had an answer. Not only that, but I realized that I had survived something that has killed many others. And I finally feel like I can start healing.
I am very damaged. I no longer trust people. Even with my new friend (who is not so new anymore), I am terrified that at any moment I will make a mistake and she will leave me. I have very low self esteem to where I question myself and self bash. And I think the worst one is that I have trouble believing in love. My mom will tell me 'I love you' and I will simply say 'okay'. I don't know if I will ever feel safe enough to say 'I love you', as I want to be sure that I never use it in vain. The last time I said "I love you" was to my friend when she visited me in the hospital last weekend.
And I feel very violated. That I have lost so much of what I could have had and who I could be right now.
And so what I really want to say is if you are getting a bad vibe from a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, please consider that they may not be giving you the respect you deserve. Never give yourself to someone else. Never let them make you feel like you are the problem. Never let them become the only person you can turn to. Never be in a relationship where you have no say. Because I felt something that I have a hard time even describing to others beyond 'complete despair'. And if you see someone else going through this, please don't ignore it.
I've been rereading this through many times, editing and polishing to make sure that I am not offensive. There is a part of me that would love to share this with her, especially now that I finally understand, but I know exactly what she would say. I know that she would say I should have told her how I felt, even though there were so many times that I did. This is another thing I hope people take to heart. There are people out there who will never empathize, and will never stop putting the blame back on you. And it may be the hardest thing ever, but you have to accept that some people are simply a lost cause.
People will ask me how I feel about her, and that's a hard question to answer. As easy as it is to throw out the word 'evil', I am a firm believer that there are no evil people in this world. Some people may do things that hurt far more than others, but the truth is that we are all people who do good and bad things. I have met people who wish painful death upon the ones who wronged them so badly that they are no longer safe, and in many cases become the very thing they hate. I refuse to be that way, but I don't know how I feel about her. I think the best advice I can give is do not give into feelings of 'revenge', because in the end you will hurt yourself. You do not have to forgive them, no matter what others may tell you, because what they did to you was not okay. Find something or someone that will give you peace of mind. I have found (and re-found) my support, I have discovered what hurt me for so long, and I have shared what I know in hopes that someone out there won't suffer through what I did, or will not feel so alone. And the road to recovery is long, but in the almighty words of one of my favorite tumblr posts “Some days I feel like giving up, then I remember I have a lot of fuckers to prove wrong.”